31 | Momentum at least, at last

Thoughts on a new year

Samantha Garner
November 15, 2024

Deadmedia shares monthly peeks behind the scenes, writing updates, and creativity thoughts from SF/F author Samantha Garner. Learn more here.

Hi everyone,

Like many, I’ve been finding the world heavy and hard to deal with this month. In this edition of Deadmedia I’m going to talk about some writerly goals for the new year. If you’re feeling stepped-on by life lately, just know that finding positive things to look forward to, big or small, is one of the best ways to stave off despair. In over 30 years living with chronic depression, it’s been vital to my survival. I’m right there with you trying even if it feels futile. It never, ever is.

(If you’re a creative looking for something hopeful I’d like to share an edition of one of my favourite newsletters, Creative Juice, reminding us of the hopefulness of creation. Also, a friend of mine shared Suleika Jaouad’s Sunshine, Love, Salvation & a prompt for warding off despair with me, which I found very helpful.)

Doing the unstuck

I’m not actually one for making New Year’s Resolutions (I have such a knee-jerk reaction to being told what to do that I even petulantly rebel against myself), but I find that thinking of a general theme for a year is easier. Softer. More conducive to the flexibility I need in my life.

I’ve written before about the emotional erosion of my year-and-a-half of being on submission with Seeker of the Lost Song. I’ve never been good at waiting, and when I feel like I have no movement in my life, my depression-brain has time to chew on existential thoughts about art, expression, creativity, self-concept all the things that feed it and make it grow.

Writing is the first thing I was ever good at. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. And I’m okay with the fact that I was 41 when my first novel was published. I’m okay with having pinballed around different forms in my formative years. I’m okay with rejection, even. It’s stagnancy I can’t stand. If I’m not creating and sharing then what do I have?

So I’ve settled on “Momentum” for my 2025 theme. It doesn’t even have to be around Seeker. There’s a lot I’m still waiting on there and it’s necessary. But I have my science-fantasy novella trilogy “Project Awakened,” the second book of which I finished at the end of October. I’m fleshing out the third one now and I’m excited about the direction it’ll bring the trilogy in.

And also, I miss pinballing around different forms. I never technically stopped, but it feels more of an urgent need these days. Writing my first short story in four years was a highly invigorating experience, and I’m discovering how much I need movement within creativity—especially when I’m on submission. I need some semblance of control where I can get it. So I’m going to prioritize momentum. I’m going to think of movement and connectivity and, in short, doing whatever the fuck I want to do.

I’m also going to focus on the simple act of partnering with my own creativity and seeing where it leads us. It’s so easy these days to feel like I have to slot every new project into My Brand. Sometimes there’s value in that, but, my god, how I miss my early 20s, exploring ideas and putting them out there, rough edges and all. Hell, helping my friend produce a play when I was 20 is one of my favourite creative things I’ve ever done. And this isn’t a regretful view of what could have been. All possibilities are still open. That fundamental part of me hasn’t changed.

Some of my favourite creatives often do different things that may or may not fall in line with what I expect of them. They’re having fun. It’s exciting to see someone like that. I want to be like that again. I know I can’t get the late ‘90s/early ‘00s internet back but at least I can peel algorithms and marketing away from creativity.

I think this came about during my submission limbo when depression-brain started to picture life if I never published anything again. It was horrifying. I’m not exactly hedging my bets here, but returning to that place of “creating whatever I want” can only be a good thing no matter what happens.

I’m excited to keep moving forward. I do have an idea percolating that seems exciting, and I think I’ll be ready to share it soon. In any case I hope you’ll join me here as I wobble through 2025, and of course I’ll keep you posted about whatever I careen into.

(Oh, but please, if I tell you I’m going to create something like my first-ever zine where I hand-bound each one with wire, where the page widths were staggered, and where I used two separate lino prints on the cover, give me a juice box and suggest I take a nap.)

PS, what I’m listening to

1) Happy New Cure Album Month to all who celebrate! Oh my god, I love them. The album is so good (especially Endsong, OOF). It’s like coming home.

2) So here’s the thing. It’s such a cliché, but the last few months of the year are just tailor-made for Bauhaus, Peter Murphy solo, Dead Can Dance, and Cocteau Twins. I don’t make the rules. Listening to “Of Lilies and Remains” or “The Cardinal Sin” even feels especially transcendent in particular streets in my neighbourhood. I don’t know why. They aren’t especially goth streets. I live in the suburbs. There must have been a particular sublime moment of music-thought-movement connection one day and the memory remains in that place.

3) But also I’ve rediscovered Your Woman by White Town, a song I quietly loved in high school, a bright shining new thing, a one-hit wonder that deserved so much more. It randomly popped into my head one day and it’s still really fucking good. Very anti-the-above-paragraph, but we contain multitudes, I guess.

I want to hear from you!

Thanks for reading Deadmedia today. I’d love to hear what you thought or what your own 2025 goals are—leave me a comment or hit reply to send me an email!

Talk soon,
-Sg.

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